Mickys' Bits

[Micky]

A man entered his favourite upmarket restaurant and sat at his regular table.

After looking around, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone.

He motioned the waiter over and asked him to send their most expensive bottle of Merlot over to the woman, knowing that if she accepted the bottle, she would be his.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman "This is from the gentleman seated over there," he said, indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, but decided to send a reply back in a note.

The waiter took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He then folded it, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return it to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

[Micky]

Never Lie to Your Mother

A young man called Colin invited his mother over for dinner.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Colin's flatmate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Colin and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his Mum's thoughts, Colin volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Gary and I are just flatmates."

About a week later, Gary came to Colin saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure.", said Colin.
So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Colin

Several days later Colin received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Gary, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Gary, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed he would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mum

[Micky]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, You Sign! You sign!'
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man
starts to yell louder. 'You Sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese ! man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!'
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: 'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > >......(It's a beauty)
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > >......(wait for it)
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > >......Get your best Chinese accent ready .....
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > >'You mean to say you not Nissan Main Dealer?'

[Micky]

The Lie-Clock.

A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man.

"Blair's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

[Micky]

Warning!!! Contains strong language!!


www.blogjam.com/neil_armstrong/

[Micky]

> Subject: Irish joke
>
>
> > An Irish bloke goes to the doctor
> >
> > "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot."
> >
> > So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
> >
> > "Incredible", he says. "There is a £20 note lodged up here."
> >
> > Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man"s bottom, and then a £10
> note appears.
> >
> > "This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"
> >
> > "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man!" shrieks the patient.
> >
> > The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another
> and another etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
> >
> > "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"
> >
> > The Doctor counts the pile of cash.
> >
> > "£1,990 exactly."
> > ..
> > ..> > ..
> > wait for it....
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > "Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

[Micky]

Subject: Vanity

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 47th birthday.
She spends £20,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home she stops at a news-stand to buy a paper. Before leaving
she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old
do you think I am?"

"About 32," the clerk replies.

"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the same question.

She replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47!" Now she is feeling really good about
herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same
question.

He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires
you to let me put my hands down your knickers. Then, I can tell exactly
how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best
of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead".

The old man slips both hands down her knickers and begins to feel round.
After several minutes she says, Okay, how old am I?"

He removes his hands slowly and says, "You are 47."

Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?"

The old man replies......,

"I was behind you in McDonald's."

[Micky]

Subject: Texas News Flash

This just in from Texas....

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the shit kicked out of him.

[Micky]

Subject: Postcard from madrid



Dear Gary

Hope you are well and Phil liked the wicker donkeys I sent.
Lots of people have been offering to help me out with the
language, but Victoria says my English is fine as it is.
Everyone has been really friendly and the lads have got a great
sense of humour, just like at United. Luis Figo's the funniest
- every time he sees me he says: "I'm going to break your legs,
pretty boy!" Keano would love it here.

It's nice to see Stevie again. He said to me only yesterday
"I'm really looking forward to helping you settle in. I've got
you a nice spot next to me on the bench". He says he's got all
sorts of training games we can play together, like snap,
dominoes and ludo but I think I'll be too busy with the
football.

Victoria is very happy here already. We was listening to the
radio the other morning and the current Spanish Number One came
on. It's called "Plinky Plinky Techno Happy Plinky Plinky Bot
Bot". Victoria reckons she can come up with something every
bit as good.

You might have seen in the papers that they're going to let me
share the free-kicks with a bloke called Robert O'Carlos. Will
you ask Keano if he remembers him from his Ireland days? Luis
says even though this O'Carlos bloke can bend the ball really
well, I'll still be the biggest bender at the club. Which was
nice of him.

Anyway, hope you and the lads are enjoying the preparations for
the season ahead. See you in the quarter-finals!

David

[Micky]

This bloke has both of his ears sliced off in a freak accident, so he puts them into a carrier bag and gets the bus to the hospital.

When he gets to the hospital, he suddenly realises he's left his ears on the bus, and with blood pouring out the side of his head he hasn't got time to go and find them.

So he gets in to see the doctor, who tells him that he can sew some pigs ears on to replace the original ones.
He's a bit dubious at first, but the doc assures him that everything will be OK.

Anyway, the operation is a success, and the doc takes off the bandages and gives the bloke a mirror to check out his new lugs.

"They're a bit big aren't they doctor?" said the man.

"Nah, they'll be fine, they'll just take some getting used to, that's all,"
he replies.

"They're a bit hairy aren't they doctor," says the patient.

"Well they are, but that won't be a problem, just shave them every morning with your normal razor," replies the doctor.

"Doctor, will I be able to hear OK out of my new pigs ears," says the
patient.

And the doctor replies....

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Probably, though you may get a bit of crackling."