lots of gd jokes

[karcherly]

A blonde, brunette and a redhead were tried and found guilty for murder. Their punishment was to be lined up and shot as a form of execution. The plan was to shoot the brunette first, followed by the redhead and then the blonde. With all the guns pointed at the burnette, the commander said, "Ready, aim..." but the burnette shouted, "Tornado!" and every one freaked and the burnette escaped. When it was the redhead's turn to be shot the commander again said, "Ready, aim..." and this time the Redhead said, "Hurricane!" Every one freaked out again and the redhead escaped. At last it was time for the blonde to die so the commander gave the command again, 'Ready, aim..." and the clever little blonde shouted, "fire!"

[karcherly]

There was a typical blond. She had long, blond hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blond jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.

"That's a nice flock of sheep," she said.

"Why thank you," said the herder.

"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.

"Okay," replied the herder.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" asked the woman.

"Sure," said the sheep herder.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382."

"Wow," said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you."

"What is it?" queried the woman.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

[karcherly]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself
out as a handy-woman and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said.
"How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all Those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde
Replied, and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[karcherly]

One day, a large panda dressed in a suede coat walked into a Chinese restaurant. He sat down and ordered a meal. Because of his large paws, he had a little difficulty with the chopsticks, but he eventually finished his food.

As soon as his meal was finished, the panda reached into his coat pocket, pulled out a revolver and blew six holes in the roof.

He then pocketed the revolver again, and left.

The manager, obviously and understandably baffled by this strange event, chased after the panda.

'Hey!' he shouted. 'What in the world did you do that for? All my customers are frightened to death.'

The panda bear stopped, turned slowly, and growled: "Look it up."

The man was curious, so after he had the roof repaired, he went home. He immidiately removed his encyclopedias from the shelf, and looked up "Panda"

He read:

"Panda n. Ailuropoda melanoleuca, a large, endangered species of bear indigeonous to the Orient. Eats shoots and leaves."

[karcherly]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[karcherly]

A young man goes to buy the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GT. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" he states proudly.

The old moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, and the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly Whoosh! something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good

Until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, unbelievably the old man is still alive! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers... "UNHOOK... MY... SUSPENDERS... FROM... YOUR... SIDE VIEW... MIRROR!"

[karcherly]

Jane and John went to Sunday School together. One day Jane fell asleep in class, and their teacher asked her "What do we say before we pray?" John poked her to wake her up, and Jane got up, turned around and said "GREAT GOD ALL MIGHTY!!!" the teacher said "good job Jane." Later on Jane fell asleep again, and again the teacher asked her a question "Jane, what did Mary name her child?" again John poked her, she stood up, turned around and said "JESUS CHRIST!!!" She fell asllep again, this time the teacher asked her, "Jane, What did Eve say to Adam after they had their fifteenth child" again John poked her and said "If you stick that thing into me one more time I'm gonna bite it off!!!" The teacher fainted.